wedding

Yesterday was the wedding day of our close friends R & R.  They were one of the very few people that we disclosed my diagnosis to from the very beginning.  While I was excited to be at their wedding, at the same time, it was causing me lot of stress and anxiety.

What's everyone going to think about my very ugly and unmanageable short hair? how would I answer questions? will there be questions? who else knows about my cancer?  am I going to look strange, is everyone going to notice that I am missing a boob? ...or maybe I shouldn't go at all?  Of course Pat wouldn't have allowed that...

Finally, the day arrived and I had to face it.  I toyed with the idea of going to a salon getting my hair done, but there's very little room for error since my hair is so short.  So I decided to just leave it as is.  As for the outfit, it was an easy decision, I needed something that covered me up as much as possible, and Pom Flower Shift was the candidate.  After frantically rummaging through the house looking for my tweezers and lipstick, we were happily on our way.

The ceremony was sweet and intimate, I couldn't help but tear up as they got to the "in sickness and in health" part of the vow.  I thought about what would've been my wedding last December, I thought about how Pat and I literally lived through "in sickness and in health", I seriously wanted to lean on Patrick's shoulder and start bawling.   But of course that didn't happen as I held it together.

The day's events happened without a glitch, it was such a happy gathering.  I won't bore you with further details, and by now it's clear that I've survived it, we told one person that I was dealing with cancer for the last year, other than that there were no awkward questions to deal with.  Here is a picture of Pat and I at the ceremony site.

I want to point out that you are looking at about 6 months of hair growth, uncut, untrimmed and unstyled.

thank you

I wrote the last entry in a haste and didn't get the chance to thank everyone for your support when I had my major post radiation breakdown.  I am not very creative with words, and instead of repeating the same thing over and over again, I figured it's better for me to just thank everyone here.

You have no idea how much those comments meant.  I felt all the encouragements, the positivity and the warmth from each and every single one of you.  Some of your comments were so incredibly touching, it brought tears to my eyes as I read them.  I am so honoured that you have all been here for me.

My active treatment (chemo, surgery and radiation) is now over.  I am left with 5 years of hormonal therapy, AKA Tamoxifen.  As I try to pick up the pieces of my life, I will be embarking on a new journey, living life post cancer.  I still have a lot of emotional and mental healing to do and  I know those will post bigger hurdles as I try to resume life.  Yesterday was challenging for me as we attended a friend's wedding, my first big social outing since cancer, of which I will blog about it shortly.

Thank you and have a wonderful Sunday.  :)

genetic testing

It's been awhile since I posted anything.  I have been busy focusing on healing.  Healing myself in body, mind and spirit.  I've been enjoying the weather, enjoying food, and enjoying being 'cancer free', a concept that I am still having difficulties grasping, but trying to nevertheless.

Even though I despise the Cancer Centre, I had a very important appointment yesterday to attend.  My genetic testing result is back.  We did the blood work about a month ago, and finally the result is back.  Yes, the test looks for the same faulty BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes that are responsible for Angelina Jolie's mastectomy.  All young breast cancer patients have the choice of getting this testing done.  It's not available to everyone because the test is quite expensive from what I was told.   A positive result means serious consideration of further surgeries to remove my other breast and/or ovaries as preventative measures.

Well I am very happy to share with you that the test result came back negative!  No more surgeries to consider, for now!

post radiation breakdown

So it's been 8 days since my last dose of radiation.  As of last Friday, I had undergone 25 sessions of radiation treatment.  I was on a high, I was feeling proud, and thinking normal life begins.

But, fast forward to today, here I am teary eyed sitting in front of the computer writing about my 'breakdown'.  I didn't know what a 'breakdown' was until I met Cancer.  When I have my breakdowns, my whole body is crying, I am crying from the heart,  I am crying with a fear so deep I tremble.  My stomach gets all knotted up and I roll up into a ball and fall onto my side.  It's been a while since I had a breakdown like this, but I surely had one this morning.

I've been dealing with self image issues as far back as chemo, though during most of that 4 months, I was too sick to care how I looked.  But since post surgery, I have been feeling really low in the self confidence department.  Nothing looked right on me, the buttons and the zippers all seem off centered because I was missing a boob, my bra wouldn't hold because my right side actually caves in.  Hence, I started hiding behind loose clothing.  It also didn't help that I've lost a lot of weight since we started treatment, right now I am still weighting in at under 90lbs, how sick is that?!?! No matter what I try, I haven't been able to put on a single pound.  I've never disliked my thin frame, but now I think it's just plain sickening.

With all these issues accumulating over the months, I now have a big ginormous red blister on my chest.  They warned me about the skin blistering, but when my skin (albeit red and significantly darkened) held it together after the last session, I thought I was the 'lucky' one.  I have been avoiding a good look at my 'radiated' area, until earlier this week when the itching was becoming so unbearable, that it was waking me up in the middle of the night.  So I decided to really take a good look at myself in the mirror, and that's when I realized the damages radiation had done to me.  Let's just say I probably should avoid sleeveless tops for the rest of my life. :)

So my strategy to cope with sadness is to chant to myself "Life is great, life is wonderful, things could be worse."  It's been working pretty well so far, but this morning upon seeing that ugly ugly giant blister, I lost it. Yep, lost it, just like the old days, I rolled myself into a ball, I drowned myself in self pity, and I hated life, I hated what life put me through.  I HATED LIFE! I HATED CANCER! I HATE HATE HATE!

But, you know what? There's nothing I can do to change it.  There's nothing! Absolutely nothing!  Just like cancer, I haven NOOO control over it.  Zero, zip, nill, nada...!!

So there you have it, my Sunday morning, one week post radiation, breakdown.

On a different note, I'd like to thank my anonymous reader once again for tipping me off on that Morning Bird Sweater Coat.  I look forward to wearing it.  It's the perfect loose comfy clothes that I desire these days.

Lastly, for anyone who's taken the time to read this entire entry, thank you for stopping by and being on this rollercoaster ride with me.